Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
