I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
