I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
