I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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