Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Are my feet made of real feet?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
