I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
