Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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