I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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