if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
