i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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