My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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