I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
