i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
