It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
