my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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