I just cut my nipple shaving
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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