D3 body, D1 cock
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
