it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
