So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
