ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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