my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
