It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
