the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
