I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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