I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
