new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
