I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dear god my vagina.
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