Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
