I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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