I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have aggressive nipples.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
