I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
