I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
