Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
