my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
