Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
