He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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