my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
