yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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