you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
false alarm, still single
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
