Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
love makes seman taste better
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
