eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Randomize
