i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
