ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
