I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
