I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
