So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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