My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
