If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
