I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
