Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
