She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
