I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
