Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
