I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
