Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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