All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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